The only indication I have of what my caller wants to talk about is the recording before I connect. Tonight it tells me I have a 15 minute credit card call, which is probably the most useless message next to the 15 minute talk line call. What’s worse, is that the calls don’t cut off after 15 minutes. The credit card ones disconnect automatically after 29 minutes, the talk line after 23.

I connect to my 15 minute credit card call somewhat warily. Who knows what’s waiting for me on the other side? I say hello and am greeted by the loud, slightly distorted wailing of an electric guitar. I say hello a couple more times to no reply, so I sit and I wait. He had to have been active in order to connect to me, so it’s not like his cell phone accidentally dialed me. Hell, it’s an easy way for me to make a few bucks, so I go back to my Tetris game while I wait for the song I can’t identify to end.

Finally, the last strains of the guitar die out, and I hear a man, also distant and distorted say, “You don’t have to talk or anything, I want company to listen to music. I’m here until about midnight, so we’re going to listen to some more tunes.”

Until midnight? It’s only 6…

“Ok,” I reply, uncertainly. “Was that you playing the guitar?” I’m aware it was a recording, but I really don’t know what else to say.

“Well, you see, I suffer from retrograde amnesia and loss of dexterity in both hands. While I look like Ace Frehley, I am not him, in fact. They tell me that it’s the year 2008 AD and I am 46 year years old plus several weeks and a few hours. I thought perhaps I’d written this song, but even though our hair is the same, I’m slightly taller than Ace Frehley.”

“Ok…”

“Now, let’s hear this.”

He puts on another song. This one has vocals, and I know now it’s another Kiss tune,  but I have no idea what song we’re listening to. It’s a live album, I know that much. I stop myself from cursing as I mis-stack one of those stupid z-shaped Tetris pieces, even though I don’t figure my friend would hear me even if I did curse out loud.

“What do we do when we run out of time?” I ask him as the song fades.

“I’m not telling you to be quiet, but I do not have the phone up to my ear. We’re going to listen to 22 now. Anyone can patch into this, I’m here ’till midnight. All you do is contact your electrical company, they can easily install the PPL and we can continue to listen.”

“Ok. . .what’s your name?” Even though he more or less told me to keep my mouth shut, I fell like I should say something.

“If you let it go too long, the animals may come and eat it. But, really, what the hell? If they want to come eat it, let them have it. I’ll still be here until around midnight.”

What the fuck is happening?!“I understand.” Yea, I understand that I’m more confused than I’ve ever been. I feel slightly bad for the guy as well.

“You know, in Philadelphia you can’t have sex with 14 year olds anymore. They outlawed it in about 1974 I believe. However, you cannot go back in time. You cannot go back to the time when you could have sex with 14 year olds…”

“Right. . .”

“Because, for instance, in an attempt to clarify what it is I mean, I was already 19 years old when they changed the drinking age from 18 to 21. One day, it was ok for you to be 18 and drink, but the next day, you had to be 21. I didn’t have to stop drinking even though the law changed because it had something to do with the constitution. I’m not saying it was in the constitution, but it pertains to legality. Now, one day, you could have sex with 14 year olds, then one day, they had to be 18. You couldn’t go back and have sex with the 14 year old the next day, even though yesterday it was legal. You cannot go back through time. And that’s why Allentown, Pennsylvania is the porn capital of the world.”

Holy shit!

“I didn’t know that. . .” I say, very mystified. “So, what do. . .” Because, obviously this dude has a job.

“Well, I’m not going to tell you to be quiet, because the phone isn’t on my ear. We’re going to do 22 now. . .Anyone can do it if they contact their electrical company. However, if it’s what you want to do, you should not wait. You should contact your electrical company immediately, they can patch you through. Let’s see what is happening around the world at this moment.”

“What should. . .” I’m interrupted by the sound of flipping through television channels. I try to continue speaking but he turns the volume up. Well all right, then.

He settles on the news. I get up to date on what Barack, Hillary and Mitt are up to. The TV is so loud, and I give up on trying to talk to him anymore. I just continue to play Tetris until we’re disconnected.

And here I was worried that the calls at my new company wouldn’t be as fucked up as they were at Mindy’s.

Another 15 minute credit card call comes through. I’m at the point where I barely listen to these stupid recordings since they don’t help me at all.

I’m connected with Louis. He’s in his 40s and soft spoken. He asks if it’s OK with me that he’s so much older than me, since I’m only 21. I tell him I love older men and that guys my age don’t care about making me feel good. They’re only interested in making sure they get off, it doesn’t matter if I do or not.

He likes that answer and tells me how he loves making a woman cum. He says that’s his favorite thing to do. Especially making them cum with his tongue.

I coo over this, and tell him to show me how he uses his tongue. We have a pretty standard cunnilingus chat. He talks a lot so I don’t really have to say much, which is nice.

After my “orgasm,” he goes on and on about how I made him feel so good, and kind of tingly. He asks me if I’m a sorceress or a wizard and if I put a spell on him.

At this point, I figure he’s just laying the compliments on thick, so I giggle and tell him he’s silly.

“No, really, I think your cum has some power. I think you put a spell on me, Charlotte.”

“I did? What are you feeling, Louis?”

“Well, I’m tingly all over, and I think I’m…yes, I am! I’m shrinking, Charlotte! You are a sorceress!”

“…”

“Your wonderful juices are causing me to shrink, I’m only about two inches tall, Charlotte!”

“Oh my! Your magical tongue must have unleashed powers I didn’t know I had,” I exclaim.

“You’ve never done this to a man before?”

“No, Louis! I haven’t! Look at you, you’re so cute and little!”

“Yes, I’d like to walk inside your pussy, Charlotte! Can I climb inside you?”

“Oh yes! Let me feel you walking around inside my pussy.”

“It’s so warm and soft Charlotte! It’s amazing inside of you, and you smell so good!”

“…”

“Can you feel me jumping up and down?”

I laugh. “I can, it tickles!”

“I’m climbing out of your pussy now, and up on to your clit. I’m giving your clit kisses and hugging it with my body.”

“That’s so nice, soft little kisses! I pick you up and kiss you. I can kiss your whole body at once!”

“I’m climbing back inside your pussy now…do you feel me running,” he asks. There’s no indication that he’s masturbating, or even aroused. “I think I see your button, Charlotte. Can I rub it and make you come for me?”

“I’d really like that, Louis. Press my button.”

“I’m pressing it!”

“Oh, but won’t you get forced out when I come?”

“I’ll hang on, Charlotte. I want to feel you squeeze me out!”

I fake an orgasm.

“Oh, Charlotte! It feels so good when you squeeze me with your pussy,” he says. “I’m going to climb inside your asshole now, can I do that?”

“Oh yes, Louis, I think I’d like that.”

“I’m inside your asshole now, Charlotte. It’s so warm and snug, can you feel me?”

“I can feel you! I feel all filled up!” What a fantasy!

“Even your ass smells sweet. How do you do that, how do you smell so sweet?”

“…”

“I’m going to climb back inside your pussy,” he says suddenly. “I want to live inside your pussy forever.”

“I’d like that, Louis! You can be mine forever, and curl up inside my pussy to sleep at night.”

“Yes, and you can take me to class with you!”

“But, you can’t be naughty and push that button, you’ll distract me!”

“Oh, I wouldn’t do anything you didn’t ask me to.”

We ended up stretching this conversation over two calls, since we’d run out of time during the first one.

We talk about me walking around with him inside me, and how warm it is for him. We discuss whether or not I’d share him with my best friend. He said he’d only want to be regular size every once in a while so we could make love, but mostly, he’d want to drink my magical cum so he can remain small and live inside my vagina.

He asked me to give him a nickname, and all I could think about was the Pillow Pants scene in Clerks II. I suck at naming things, so I hemmed and hawed for a bit. I couldn’t for the life of me remember the pussy troll in the movie was named Pillow Pants, though, otherwise, that’s what I’d have called him.

“What’s wrong with Louis?” I ask.

“I just thought you’d want to make up a special name for me.”
“Well, I kind of like Louis My Pussy Gnome.”

“Oh, well, gnomes are kind of ugly, aren’t they?” He sounds dejected. I wonder why he didn’t just tell me what he wanted his stupid nickname to be if he was going to poop all over my suggestions.

“I think gnomes are very cute, Louis.”

“Well, then that’s ok,” he says, brightening. “I’ll be your Pussy Gnome.”

“Good. You’ll be Louis My Pussy Gnome forever!”

He thanks me happily, and tells me he’ll call again soon.

Yippee.

I introduce myself to my caller, and he tells me he’d rather call me Charlie than Charlotte. He says it’ll be his nickname for me. I can’t do anything but agree. He tells me his name is Mason. I don’t care enough to give him a nickname.

We have a pleasant little chat, giving descriptions and all that good stuff. He seems like a nice enough guy, in his 40s and very jovial. He tells me that he’s got a fantasy he’d like to play out with me, but he doesn’t want me to be uncomfortable. He makes me promise that if at anytime I feel awkward or uncomfortable with his fantasy, I’ll tell him, and we can stop. He tells me that if I’m able to play along, he’ll return the favor and do something wonderful for me. I’m skeptical that he can do anything wonderful for me, and a little afraid of what his fantasy might be. He reiterates over and over that we’ll stop if I don’t feel right, and I can’t imagine what he wants me to do.

“It’s OK, Mason, I’m up for anything!” I assure him.

“Well, I have a little bit of a tickling fetish. I’d like to tickle you until you beg me to stop,” he says, a little hesitantly.

I laugh to myself, is that all?!

“That kinda sounds like fun,” I tell him, reassuringly.

“Really? It won’t make you uncomfortable?”

“Not at all,” I say in all honesty, “Tell me about your fantasy.”

“OK, here’s the scene. You’re a spy, actually one of the top spies in the world, and it’s been my mission to capture you, since you’re rumored to be beyond capture. It’s become a personal thing for me, you see, to catch the greatest spy in the world.”

“Right…”

“So, you’ve broken into my organization’s headquarters with another spy and stolen some diskettes. Even though you’re good at what you do, you set off the alarm. You run out, but not before burying the diskettes just outside the building. My men catch you and your partner, another female spy.”

“OK.”

“Now, you’re both back at my compound and you’re both naked and bound to wooden chairs, but you’re not speaking. My interrogators are trying to get you to talk, but you won’t, so they tell you their bringing me in. I’m good at interrogating spies, and you’ve heard of me, but you’re not afraid, are you?”

“No, not at all.”

“Good. So, I separate you from your partner, and bring you into an empty room. You’re bound to a chair, with your wrists tied together above your head, and you legs stretched out with your feet in wooden stocks.”

“OK…”

“I’m going to ask you questions, but you refuse to answer.”

“OK.”

“Tell me where the diskettes are, Charlie. It’s no use being uncooperative, just tell us where you hid them and we’ll spare you.” He’s in character now, so he’s trying to sound very stern and serious.

“Never!” I’m in character, too. I’m defiant and cocky.

“You must know my reputation,” he says, “I won’t stop until I break you.”

I laugh, “And you know my reputation. You’ll never break me.”

“You’re a tough one to crack aren’t you? I’m tougher than you, though. You will tell me what I want to know.”

“I’ll never talk. You’ll just have to kill me.” Gritted teeth and everything! I’m such a good telephone actress.

“Silly girl! Don’t you know your partner already broke, she talked, so you might as well give it up.” He says, mockingly.

“Do I look stupid to you?” I laugh, condescendingly, “I know she didn’t talk, I’m not falling for your silly little cop games!”

“Oh, that was good!” He says, happily, breaking character, “You’re good at this…Ok, so now I bring in my assistant, Helga. She’s a big German girl and now you’re a little afraid. You ask me what she’s doing here.”

“Wha…what’s she doing here? What are you guys going to do to me?!” I try to sound bewildered and nervous.

“Oh, Charlie, I have something special planned for you. I will break you,” he says, “Helga takes a stool and sits next to your feet…You said your partner would never speak, but you were so wrong Charlotte. She gave you up! She told me you were very very ticklish.”

“That bitch!”

“Oh yes. Helga takes a long ostrich feather and slides it up the bottom of your foot very slowly, and you laugh and laugh.”

I laugh, it’s pretty genuine laughter, too, this whole situation is silly.

“Oh, that’s good! You have a wonderful laugh,” he says, excitedly, “So, while you laugh, I want you to yell ‘no, no, please stop!’”

I do.

“Helga sits up by your armpits, and she tickles you there while I work your feet. You can barely breathe you’re laughing so hard.”

I laugh and beg him to stop. I gasp and tell him I can’t breathe, “Please sir, make her stop tickling me!”

“Helga starts tickling up your thighs to your pussy, and you still laugh, but now it feels good, too.”

I try to laugh and moan at the same time.

“I order Helga to leave the room, and now you’re afraid and want to know where she’s going.”

“Wait, what’s happening? No, don’t leave! Don’t leave me alone with him!!”

“I noticed you liked when Helga tickled your little pussy,” he says, quietly, “I sit in her place, and begin caressing your pussy gently, you start to give in to me, and I slip my fingers inside you, while I tickle your feet again. You’re cumming and laughing, and begging me to stop…”

“Please stop, sir! Please, I can’t take it anymore, I’ll tell you anything you want to know!!”

“Tell me where the diskettes are!”

“They’re about 15 paces outside the back door, buried to the left in that patch of grass there,” I say gasping as though I’m out of breath.

“Good girl,” he says, then he laughs, “But, you know, we already have the diskettes, Charlie.”

“What?!” I say, confused and angry.

“Yes, we found them shortly after you were captured.”

“So, what the fuck?! What was all this about, all this tickling with Helga?!” I’m outraged!

“No one’s been able to capture you, Charlie. No one’s been able to break you. I wanted to be the guy who got Charlie to talk.”

“You bastard,” I whisper. I love when my calls mimic horrible action flicks.

“Now you’re mine, Charlie. For the next month, I’m going to try out all my fantastic tickle devices on you!”

“Noooooooooooooo!!!”

He laughs again, and says, “That was really good, Charlie! You are so good at this.”

“Thank you,” I say, “that was fun.”

We’ve run out of time by now, but he calls me right back.

“I promised I’d pay you back,” he says, “So, since you made me feel so good, I’ll make you feel good now.”

“Sounds good to me!” I say, enthusiastically.

He instructs me to lay back on my bed and touch myself while he describes making love to me. I click Stumble! while he describes making love to me, of course making the appropriate moaning sounds. And, of course, there’s more tickling.

“I pull out a contraption of my own making to show to you. It’s a motorized wheel, with ostrich feathers that go all the way around. It’ll slide across from one foot to the other, just under your toes. It stops for about two seconds before reversing direction and going back the way it came. Back and forth like that, allowing you just enough time to catch your breath. I turn it on and let me hear you scream and laugh while you cum.”

It’s difficult faking an orgasm while you laugh, but I’m pretty sure I pull it off as he compliments me again.

We lapse into conversation and he tells me how tickling was a legitimate torture method for women since it left no marks.

He tells me he wants me to tickle one of my friends and tell him about it the next time he calls. I tell him I will. He says that he’ll show me how wonderfully ticklish electric toothbrushes can be, and he’s show me next time.

“Electric toothbrushes?!” I exclaim, “They’re ticklish?”

“Oh yes, the back of it against your toes, they’re wonderful tickling tools. Coochie coochie coo!”

I laugh, “I have an electric toothbrush, I need to check this out!” I can’t imagine it’d be ticklish, so I really do go grab mine.

His laughter subsides when he hears me switch my toothbrush on, “You’re going to do this for me,” he asks.

“Yes, I want to see if it’s ticklish.”

“Rest it lightly against your big toe,” he says, voice thick in anticipation.

I do.

“It is ticklish!” I exclaim, laughing my ass off.

“Oh my, Charlie, you’re going to make me cum.”

“Good! Cum for me, Mason!” I shout in between giggles. I only touched my toe ever so briefly, but I leave the toothbrush on and continue laughing for his benefit.

Soon enough, I hear the unmistakable sounds of Mason shooting his load. I stop laughing, and he thanks me. He tells me I have an amazing laugh and that he’ll be calling me again.

I’ve been complimented on my laugh a lot. People always tell me it’s contagious, and when I worked an office job, I’d have coworkers joining in with me, even if they didn’t know what I was laughing about. Former coworkers usually tell me that my laughter is what they miss around the office. And that’s sorta nice. But, my laugh has never made anyone cum before. I’m not sure how I feel about that…

When I first started this job, I would wake up 30-60 minutes before my morning shift started. I’d do what most people do before they go to work: shower, have breakfast, get dressed. Now, I don’t even get out of bed when I log in.

This morning, I get up to make myself breakfast as soon as I log in. It’s been slow in the mornings lately, so I figure I’ll have time to cook and eat before the first call. I am almost right, I get halfway through my bowl of Cream of Wheat before my phone rings.

Mindy informs me that Ralph wants to talk to a hard core Dom for half an hour and that he’s into brown and golden showers. Whoopie, what a great start to my day!

Once we’re connected, I tell Ralph to tell me about himself in my sternest voice. He answers in the falsely weak voice of a meek little sub. I’m cranky about this being my first call of the day, and that my oatmeal will get cold, plus his voice annoys me, so I figure I’ll enjoy punishing stupid Ralph.

“What do you want to do today, Ralph?” I ask in a disinterested voice that’s only slightly an affectation.

“I like to be made to go to the bathroom, Mistress,” he says quietly.

Fucking awesome.

“You do? You want to piss and shit while I watch you?”

“Yes, Ma’am. And you can make me throw up, too.”

Yip-fucking-ee.

“You’re a dirty little boy, aren’t you?” I don’t know what else there is to say.

“Yes Ma’am. Would you pee on me, too?”

I laugh, “No.”

“Why not, Mistress?”

“You don’t get to make requests, you do what I say. You don’t deserve my piss. ”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Good. Did you eat today?” I have no idea what I’m supposed to do here, so I’m stalling for time.

“Yes I did, Mistress.” He already has that slightly breathless quality to his voice. I wonder how I can make him pee if he’s got a half-chub. I’m not even sure if that’s possible.

“What did you eat?”

“I ate a bowl of cereal, Mistress. Do you want me to go to the bathroom? Will you make me vomit, too?”

I ignore his questions.

“Just cereal? How is that going to fill you up enough for you to shit for me?”

“I don’t know, Mistress. Please don’t make me vomit!”

That’s false pleading. He so wants to puke for me. I so don’t want him to.

“Let me hear you piss,”

“Right now, Mistress?”

“YES RIGHT NOW!”

“Yes ma’am.”

I hear the unmistakable sound of piss in a toilet and I giggle quietly.

As the tinkles fade away I say, “Good boy.”

“Thank you, Mistress.”

“Now shit.”

“Are you going to make me vomit, Mistress?” He says this pleadingly. He’s not even trying to disguise the fact that its what he really wants. I ignore him.

“I said ’shit.’” I say this calmly, matter of factly, while I shove a spoonful of Cream of Wheat in my mouth.

We’re both silent. I’m not sure what I’m even supposed to say, but this mostly silent routine seems to be working just fine.

I stifle another giggle as I hear him grunt, and when the first plop hits, I roll my eyes. Why the hell did I think a job as a phone sex operator was a good idea?!

I sit silently as he grunts and plops. I eye my bowl of hot cereal and wonder if there’s something wrong with me that I can eat while listening to some dude take a shit.

“I’m finished, Mistress,” he says as he flushes. “Are you going to make me throw up in the toilet now?”

“Not in the toilet. Strip naked.”

“Mistress?”

“Strip. DO IT NOW!” I yell into the phone.

“Yes ma’am.” There’s a brief pause. “I’m naked now, Mistress.”

“Good. Get into your bathtub.”

“In the tub, Mistress?”

“Yes. Get in the fucking tub! Now. I want to hear you throw up all over yourself like the vile little pervert you are.”

“Yes, Ma’am.” He sounds uncertain, but excited., “I’m in the tub now.”

“Shove your finger or your toothbrush down your throat. Let me hear you gag and choke.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

The sound of him retching and heaving turns my stomach and I angle the phone away from my ear. I can’t take it completely away and I can’t really stop listening, but I squeeze my eyes shut as though that would make it quieter. I am completely grossed out.

After a few minutes of fruitless heaving, he tells me he can’t vomit. I remember the Milk Chug contest from Jackass and ask him if he’s got milk left from his cereal. He tells me he has nearly a gallon, so I tell him to go chug it until he’s nauseous.

I sit idly stirring my cold Cream of Wheat while I listen to him swallow. I can’t quite understand how this could be a turn-on, but that seems to be the case for the majority of my callers.

“Ok, Mistress, I think I’m ready.”

He sounds green around the gills. I giggle to myself.

“Good. Get back in the tub and puke all over yourself like a good little dirty boy.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

I hear him retch a couple times, then comes the unmistakable sound of violent vomiting. I squeeze my eyes shut and take the phone away, suppressing my own urge to heave. Over and over I hear him gushing forth with milk that’s probably still cold.

When it finally stops, he says, “I think I’m done, Mistress.” He’s very quiet, tired and out of breath.

“Good boy. You did a good job for me today.” I actually feel bad for him. He sounds miserable.

“Thank you, Mistress.”

“So good, in fact, that I think I will piss on you after all.”

“Really Mistress?!” He sounds ridiculously happy. “My dick is hard, Mistress.”

“Good. Make yourself cum while I piss on you. Use your vomit to lube up your cock.”

He groans, and I know that he is.

“Good boy. I wanna see you covered in filth. I stand over you, letting my piss leak out slowly all over you. It’s nice and warm isn’t it?”

“Oh yes, Mistress! Thank you, Mistress.”

“You’re welcome, ” I say graciously. “Now, let me see you covered in filth. I like my dirty little boy covered vomit, cum and my piss.”

“Oh yes, Mistress!” He yells out as he cums. After a beat, he catches his breath and thanks me.

“You’re welcome….” It still makes me smile when they thank me. I can hang up knowing it was a job well done. I’m aware that I’m fucked up because of this.

“Have a good day, Mistress!”

“You, too, Ralph!”

“I will now!”

Thankfully, he hangs up. I can’t imagine having to make idle chit chat with a dude who just threw up for me. At least his day is off to a good start. Unlike mine, I think as I dump out the rest of my cereal.

I call Mindy and tell her about Ralph. I figure that some girls have weaker stomachs than mine and they should be warned this guy wants to puke.

Mindy thanks me, and says she’ll add it to his profile for the next time he calls. She commiserates for a bit, telling me about another caller who likes to hear girls gag. He always calls one girl in particular for an hour at a time. He makes her gag herself over and over the entire call. For an hour!! Afterwards, her throat is so sore she can barely talk. That sounds a helluva lot worse than listening to someone vomit on himself. I thank the gods for small favors.

It was suggested that I post some excerpts from the infestation of work emails I’ve received. I’ve posted the best parts from a few of them.

This is from the “Tips” email. For whatever reason, the majority of this email is highlighted in blue, with a bit of yellow highlighting at the end. The smilie waving hello is a nice touch, though.

Sound Effects:
What can give off good sounds
for sucking: ( lollie pop, ring pop, candy canes , your finger)

Acting: Sound of your voice , breathing in an out ,acting out your charactor , pharses you use, wording, giggles>if acting 18-20

If they want to hear how wet u are: ( put your finger in lotion , gel or use your thum in the mouth pushing it back and forth with the tongue to make sloshing sounds .Baby oil on your fingers as you wiggle a finger or two in and out of a clenched fist will give the same effect

Background noise like have a prono on ( so they can hear) get them interested descibe whats happening get them going. ( Don’ t Have it up loud unless later they ask you to an want to hear)

I’ve never heard of this “prono.” I’ll have to look into that…

OVER SEA CALLERS:
Maybe act like you LOVE their accent, and like you have never talked to any one from there before. Act like you love to hear more about their country an how you love to visit sometime there ( play them , Not meaning for real ) ( IF they say I ‘ll pay your way ect….. filling your head they just may be telling you a story as you are acting with them . Say Oh I love to but not right now I must get to know you much better before I just run off ,call me again & I just might )
Alot of all those think they are sooo great, learned how to play on that, feed their BIG ‘ole egos lol .
They also like orgies.
They love SMART woman….( the guys in England)

It’s interesting to me that they say men overseas think they’re soooo great. Because American men don’t, right? Then they go on to say that they like orgies and smart women. British dudes are weird!

This sample conversation cracked me up:

“Yes, Yes, Yes!! (Moan LOUD) Fill my @#%$ WITH YOUR HUGE PULSING DICK!!” Ohhhh yeah harder, pull my hair! Ohhhh yeah, shove your big hard dick up my ass! Ooohh yeah @#%$ me in my tight ass, @#%$ it harder, ahhhooooaahhh yeah!!! Shove your big giant @#%$ in me! Oooh make me cum…… Oooooh yeah make me cum! (MOAN LOUDER) Ohhh yeah! I want you to cum for me! Cum for me please! Ooooh yeah cum on my face all over my face! I want you to shoot your hot sticky cum down my throat like a maniac! Shot it yeah ooooh yeah I’m cumming! Oooooohhh ohhh god oooooohhhhhh GOD I’m CUMMING!!!! Aaaaahhhhhhouuggghhhhhhhuuumm!

Why are the bad words “bleeped out” in the conversation, but not in the rest of the email?!

Then there’s this:

PLEASE - Please do not hesitate to drop us an e-mail, we are here to help you do your best. [removed] This is the usual protocol for the most frequently asked questions. If you are logged in and have questions regarding calls, please contact the DISPATCH CENTER. If you need pointers or tips on how to improve your calls, please call either your RECRUITER or the DISPATCH CENTER. ALL other questions please direct them to us via e-mail; please try your best to keep it short! You will definitely receive a response from us within 48 hours, either by e-mail or telephone.

The emoticon really speaks to the sincerity of the message, don’t you think?

This lady is in every email from them:

It’s a good thing they got a 5 year phone whore vet explain some of the more rare fetishes for me:

** Bisexual **
The customer wants to fantasize that the performer is having sex with another woman.

** Transvestite **
This is a customer who cross-dresses - likes to put on women’s clothes (usually lingerie). Sometimes he dresses up while I watch and admire him (’You’re so cute and sexy.’), sometimes I order him to dress up.

She also explains the types of callers:

Many callers won’t be comfortable with themselves, and are really wanting to hear that they’re OK for wanting whatever it is they want.
Phone sex is one of the few branches of the sex work industry where the age and appearance of the performer doesn’t matter.
“moderate to high-energy types - direct, clear about what they want, and easy to satisfy; the other half [were] difficult in some way.” For example, with “dominant” calls, she would directly ask the caller what kinds of things he wanted. With moderate to high-energy callers, this would have good results. For low-energy calls, the caller would indeed have specific things in mind but would instead lead with “I’ll do anything you want,” and hope the performer would somehow drag out their desires or happen to stumble on them.

** The Lonely, Bored, or Curious Caller **
These are callers who aren’t really interested in doing phone sex at all. The curious ones may hang up quickly, but the bored or lonely callers were often quite aggravating and draining (in Ms. Rhys’ opinion) because they put out no energy or feedback and often don’t even want to talk about sex at all.

Good thing they highlighted it to make it easy to read! And they left me with this bit of helpful advice:

they love sounds an noise .
always make up act sounds or let them hear u licking your fingers

Just relax and get little hints as to what the caller wants, listen very carefully, and act accordingly. Remember you are bringing his fantasy to life and if you do a great job, he will come again…and again…and again….THey have no idea who or where you are ……………..

Thank you and Good Luck

They’re so helpful!

Happy New Year, my fellow pervert lovers!!

I’m sorry for the lack of update this week.

I quit the company I worked for. Mostly, it was due to the fact that I made shit for money and thought I could make more elsewhere.

Then, I just was lazy and didn’t work anywhere and instead celebrated the holidays and avoided sex talk as much as possible.

I started at a new company today, which seems promising. We’ll see.

This place seems to be mostly automated, so there will be no fun conversations with receptionists. That sucks.

Just so you know, Mindy was a composite of all the receptionists I worked with. It’s not like that matters, really, I just thought you should know.

In any case, I have one last story from my time with Mindy’s company. It’ll be posted…soon.

This new place has way more rules. No talk of anything illegal. No drugs, rape, necrophilia, child porn, sex with minors or incest–including in-laws or people related to me by marriage. The only thing my other company outlawed was anything involving minors. I’ve talked about every one of the other things listed. Well, I never fucked a dead person, but I did kill a guy with a rock while I fucked him, and me and another guy hung his girlfriend. I can’t tell you how many guys called me and told me they were on coke and actually snorted lines while we chatted. And yes, I have described fucking animals. The fucked up thing is, when I read the rules, I was disappointed at all the things outlawed. I thought, well, that’s not very fun. No, I’m not fucked up at all…

They’ve sent me literally 15 emails, with all sorts of rules, tips and suggestions. It’s sorta nice seeing as how my last company just threw me out there after 30 minutes of very general training consisting of telling me to just wing it. The email advice is stuff I’ve already learned, so the vast assortment of emails is annoying instead of informational. Plus, the emails look like a retarded 15 year old wrote them, complete with “u” instead of “you” and unnecessary colors and graphics. This makes me regret leaving Mindy.

They also advised me to not talk about my nipples. Even on the big breast line, they say to not describe them when describing my boobs. I don’t get it. Dennis says it’s in case the dude has a specific nipple preference, they don’t want me to ruin it. Whatever, it’s stupid. I am glad this isn’t the first company I worked for.

I don’t have prescribed characters, either. I pick my name and my description.

I’m Charlotte and I have long black hair and blue eyes (only because I think black hair and blue eyes is ridiculously hot) and I’m always ready for a good time!

One night, while doing my nails and faking orgasms, my caller asked to hear how wet I was. I have one of those jars with a sponge inside that you dip your fingers in to take off the nail polish. It’s half empty, so I shook it gently back and forth, and moaned quietly. He was silent when I brought the phone back to my ear, so I asked if he was still there. He took a deep breath and said, “You’re really playing with your pussy, aren’t you?”

Oh yea baby.

Another morning, I was enjoying my grits and eggs when I was interrupted by a fellow who likes to hear women get off. He, too, asked to hear how wet I was so I put the phone down by my plate and squished my fingers in and out of my grits faster and faster while I yelped in the background.

He said, “That’s the real deal isn’t it?! You can’t fake that shit!”

Nope, can’t fake it at all.

When I licked the grits of my fingers, he asked if I was slurping up my cum. “Oh yea baby!”

“You are so fucking hot and nasty.” I can’t tell you how many times this dude has called me since then.

This works much better than just grabbing your cheek and slapping it back and forth against your teeth, because you can move the phone away from you, and moan at the same time. It sounds like you’re really doing it!

If you open your mouth wide, and try to swallow the back of your tongue, while breathing through your throat, it sounds like you’re gagging on a dick. If you move the back of your tongue back and forth while saying “ahh” it sounds like you’re moving the dick in and out of your mouth while gagging on it. Having a cold is awesome for this, because when you sniff, it sounds like you have a runny nose and teary eyes from the force of cock-gagging.

I used to actually use a vibrator to make my blow job sound effects. I keep one next to my notebook in case a caller wants to hear it. One night, I transferred a cat hair from it to my uvula. I spent the rest of the night gagging and dry heaving trying to dislodge it. That’s when I started using the tongue swallowing trick. Much safer.The trick to faking a good orgasm is to gradually moan faster and faster, then take a deep breath in, hold it for a beat, then let it out with a loud groan. In real life, when a girl cums, there’s always a hesitation between the moans and the actual orgasm.

My cats used to run away when I’d have my fake orgasms, now they’re used to it. Nothing is funnier than brushing your cat while faking an orgasm and hearing a guy say, “You’re really cumming aren’t you? I wish I could be there watching you right now.” Yes, because my oversized sweat pants covered in cat hair is sexier than hell.

I’m all about making it real for them, though. I mean, they should be getting the most bang for their buck, right? A friend remarked it’s like an old time radio show, and it totally is. The problem is, when I’m doing something innocent, like playing around with leftover hummus on my plate, I’ll think things like, “That sounds sort of like a wet pussy.” It ruins a lot of stuff for me.

While folding a belt in half and snapping it makes an effective spanking noise, I prefer to use my ruler. I found this ruler in my school bookstore, it’s rubber and very flexible. If I smack it against my foot-board just so, it sounds very much like a riding crop against a bare ass. My little subs love it.

I’ve also hurt myself in an effort to make it real for my callers.

I spoke with a gentleman who wanted to tear my tank top and panties off of me. He asked me to let him hear me rip my shirt. So, being the good phone whore I am, I grabbed a rag and tore it in half. He was completely silent while I did it, and when I asked him if he heard me, it took him a moment to answer. Then, with thick voice, he asked me to rip my panties off, too. I took one of the pieces of rag, that’s much smaller now, and start to rip that slowly. I had the cloth up to my chin so he could hear it, and my grip slipped and I punched myself in the chest. Hard.

One night, while talking to my body builder lover, I was sitting on my floor, punching my mattress. The mattress slipped at some point, and my next punch hit my box spring. I cut my knuckles open and they were swollen the next day. You can’t really explain that injury to people.

It’s a tough job, but I like doing it!

“I have a request for Mary Anne from John, you spoke to him on [whatever date]…”

John is a common enough name, and I can’t find him, so I ask Mindy to refresh my memory.

“He wanted you to be motherly and, he likes to talk about hair…”

“OH!” I yell in recognition.

Mindy chuckles. “I take it he made an impression?”

“Yea, you can’t really forget a hair cutting fetishist!”

He still sounds very chipper and happy, and asks if I remember him when we’re finally connected.

“Yes! I’ve been waiting to hear if you really went out and got your hair cut!”

“I did, that same day I talked to you. That’s been about a month now, right.”

“It has! I’m so glad you did it. I have so many questions!” I really do, so my excited curiosity is genuine. “How did it happen? What did your lady say?”

He laughs indulgently. “Well, after I hung up with you, I was really excited about it, so I decided to just go do it. And my girlfriend was coming in as I was leaving and she said she wanted to go with me…”

“Oh! So she got to watch!”

“Yea, she was pretty excited about that. And the beautician let her sit in the empty chair next to me and watch.”

“Wow! I bet she was really turned on!”

“She was, it was great. She watched with her mouth open, and she looked so horny the whole time!” We laugh. “The stylist kept asking if I was sure…she first put it in a ponytail like you said, and then when that was gone, she said she could just give me a short haircut.”

“But, you didn’t do that, did you?”

“Nope. I looked at my girlfriend and she just kind of nodded at me, so I told her to just buzz it off. It felt really good when she did that, and my girlfriend was so turned on.”

“So, you went home and had awesome sex, I bet!”

“Oh, yea, it was really good…”

“So, she got to fuck your ass with a strapon, right?”

“Oh yes, she did. And it was incredible. We were both so turned on anyway from the haircut that it just ended up being really hot and wild.”

There was no indication that he wanted to have phone sex. In fact, at one point, I hear a beep that sounded like a car’s warning light. When I ask him what it was, he tells me that he’s driving home from work and thought about me. He says he remembered he promised to keep me updated.

“I’m glad you did,” I say. “I was wondering if you went through with it.”

“My girlfriend ended up getting her hair buzzed off a couple of days later!”

“She did! How is that?”

“Oh man, it is so hot, she looks so sexy. So, now we both have bald heads.”

“Did you shave her?”

“Not the first time, but now we do shave each other. It’s kinda like our foreplay.”

“Amazing.”

“Yea, and she was only going to do it for a short time, but she loved it so much, she went and got some really nice wigs instead. And I came home the other day, and she made me take the trash out. It was heavy so I looked inside, and she’d thrown out all of the shampoos and conditioners and stuff…”

“Oh, so you both are sticking to the bald thing for a while, huh?”

“I guess so,” he says, laughing. “It’s fun, though. She’d wear different wigs and it was kinda like having different girlfriends. But then, one day, she was doing some shopping, and she got hot, so she took it off. Then she just decided to keep shopping without it on.”

“I bet she got a lot of attention that day!”

“She said she loved it. She said it make her feel sexy and unique, so she’s been going around without the wigs on either.”

“Wow, I bet that’s a turn on for you…”

“It is, I love watching people checking her out, and she seems so confident and sexy now.”

“You’ve got me thinking I should cut my hair!” I say.

“Really?” That seems to have piqued his interest.

“Yes! I’ve been tucking it under and checking it out in the mirror. I think I want to. And my boyfriend keeps telling me it would look hot.”

“You really should, go for it!”

“I want to…”

“Don’t wait, when we hang out, you should do it, surprise your guy.”

“I think I will, after hearing how you two turned out,” I tell him with a giggle. “You’ve created a monster.”

He laughs, and I hear the beep of his car door opening. “Well, I’m home now, but I’ll call back in a couple of weeks and you can tell me about your haircut.”

“That sounds good, John.” And we hang up. I shake my head. I was a little confused the entire time, waiting for a sexual detour that never came. At least he seemed like he had a good time talking to me.

Two Weeks Later

John calls back, to see if I got my hair cut. This time he sounds a little distracted and our conversation doesn’t flow as easily.

“Are you and your lady still loving the shaved heads?”

“Oh yea. I think we’re going to keep it up for a while,” he confides. I’m not really sure where to go with this conversation. He sounds horny, unlike the last time he called, but I can’t figure out what we’re supposed to be doing.

Finally he asks if I ever went and cut off my hair. His voice is thick and quiet, so now I know what he’s after. I start to create a story about getting my hair cut similar to his story.

I tell him I went to the salon immediately after getting off the phone with him. I tell him I brought my boyfriend, but I couldn’t bring myself to go bald. Instead, I just got a pixie cut.

“Oh, that’s as short as you can get without shaving it,” he says, his voice distant. I figure I’m going to stop trying to include him in the conversation and just talk.

“My boyfriend came home, and I grabbed him and told him we were going out to dinner, since I didn’t feel like cooking. I took us to a restaurant that’s across from a salon, and I made it seem like I just decided there and then. I figured if your lady liked watching you get your hair cut so much, my guy might, too…”

“And did he?” He’s whispering now.

“He did! I could see him getting hard through his jeans while she was cutting it.”

“How did she cut it?”

“Well, first, she pulled it back into a ponytail, and cut it on the other side of the rubberband. Then she evened it all around with her scissors, and asked if I was sure. She said I had such a pretty, full head of hair, and she felt bad cutting it off.”

“Yea, your hair was down to your butt, right?”

“It was! But, I told her I was sure, and she took out the clippers.”

“You got it buzzed?” very thick voice now.

“Oh yea, it’s buzzed all the way around, with just a little length on the top so I can make it spikey if I want to.”

“Did she use the combs? You know, to guide it?”

“For the top, for the back she didn’t at all, it’s shaved clean then gradually gets longer as it goes up.”

“It’s super short, yea?”

“Yea.”

“Does your boyfriend like it?”

“Oh yea, he can’t keep his hands off of it!”

There’s a long pause, then a sigh. “Thank you, Mary Anne.”

“You’re welcome…” I shake my head and chuckle as we hang up. I wonder if he’ll call again. None of us have hair anymore, so I’m not sure how that will work.

I guess I’m not doing as terribly as I thought at explaining things; I didn’t get a ton of questions. Thank you to all you guys who wrote just to tell me you like what I write. That makes me happy!

Here are your questions:

Hey Charlotte, I’m a huge fan of your site, and I’ve gotten my friends addicted. Anyway, I was just wondering if whether or not your kids knew about your awesome occupation as a phone whore? I would be honored if my mother was a telefloozy.

Carolyn

Thank you!

I am not a mother, though. My parents know, but we only ever talk about it obliquely. They don’t know about this site. I go back and forth about telling them but I’m not sure if I should…

****

Do women ever call?

Ashley Squared

Actually, yes. I’ve had three. One girl said she’d never been with a woman, but she liked calling up when she masturbated. That was simple, I just pretty much described what I like having done to myself. The second wanted to trade stories about the last time we were with a girl, but then someone came in and she hung up. The last one was a bit dirtier, where she wanted me to be in control and call her a whore. That was a little bit harder, for some reason. It was hard for me to call a woman a fucking little whore, even though I’ve no problem if a caller calls me that, or I call him that…I’m still not sure why that might be.

****

Does it frighten you that you forget to post things because they are “normal” to you? I like the mini dialogs that you have with the operator before you get put though to a caller. Especially when they make fun of the caller. Given what I’ve read so far it seems like a way more exciting job than any corporate desk-type-job you could possibly have.

Has your position as a phone sex worker proven to be more lucrative than the $11 you started out with?

sooshie

Thanks! It’s fun that there’s that time talking to Mindy. I can get out the laughter before I talk to the guy, or brace myself if it’s something a little out there.

I was late the other day, and the first call she gave me was a man calling himself “Stephanie” who wanted to talk about my panties. I asked if this was punishment for my being late and she assured me that it was.

And yes, it is disturbing that it’s all become so normal. I get incest and dom calls almost every time I work. The only thing we’re not allowed to talk about are underage fantasies. Anything else is fair game

A lot of times, I’ll laugh in passing at something that happened, and I’ll mention it to Dennis. He’s the one who tells me it’s so fucked up and I should write about it. If no one ever asked me about my day, I’m sure I’d overlook a lot of good calls!

Of course, because it has become so normal, I have to remind myself that it’s not, at all, to everyone else. I already had a dirty mind to begin with, and I’ve crossed a threshold. Before I took this job, I didn’t even say the word “pussy” out loud. Now, I’ll tell a dude who’s annoying me at the bar that I wanna take him home and fuck his ass with my dildo.

It’s more lucrative than being poor, but not by much! It’s not a high paying job, in the least. It just works out because I can focus on my school and do homework in between calls.

****

First off thanks for accepting me as your friend on Myspace. My question is what is the most bizarre thing you had to do for someone on the phone?

Jim

I like Myspace friends!

It’s hard to decide what’s the most bizarre. I’ve had a guy ask me to put the phone by my butt and fart for him, Beavis and Butthead style. I couldn’t do it. Another wanted me to rub the phone in my bush, so I just rubbed it on my hair. There is one guy who calls from time to time and wants me to cry while he cums. So, I just have to fake sob and sniffle until he’s done. I don’t know if that’s more bizarre or annoying, though.

****

I’ve got a pretty good idea of the type of calls you don’t like, so my question is, which calls are easiest, or the most fun? “Short calls” would be the obvious answer, but what makes a “good day at work” for you?

J. Random

The most fun calls are the ones where we’re just talking. I genuinely enjoy talking to people, so when someone wants to just shoot the shit, I’m happy.

Some of the guys are just lonely, so they really want someone to talk to. They’ll tell me about their day, their lives, and I listen and am interested in what they have to say. Some guys want to talk about their particular fetish, but it’s not necessarily having phone sex or acting out a fantasy, it’s just sharing something with me they can’t with anyone else.

As I’m a curious person anyway, it’s a chance to ask a lot of questions and learn about this different perspective on sexuality. I think they can tell that I’m genuinely interested, so usually they open up. You can feel that moment where it switches from being an awkward introduction, to them settling in and actually opening up, and that’s a very cool feeling. Those guys usually sound very relieved or grateful when they hang up, so I feel like, even if this job is kinda gross and kinda weird, I’m doing something good for a lot of people.

****

Hello Charlotte! Out of curiosity, would you ever recommend this sort of job to another girl? If she were extremely open, can deal with a lot of bullshit, sorta bizarre, and had a weird sense of humor. Do you think she’d be able to handle it?

I’m asking because I’ll be needing a job when I get into university that I can do from my house, I’ll be a visual arts major so I’d like something that I can work on projects while on the phone. Also, it seems like the sorta thing I’d find enjoyable, I like to make people happy. Also it seems like I wouldn’t get stuck doing it for years.

So any advice? Also, I love your stories, they really brighten up a dreary day in the great white north.

Andy

Thank you!

I would absolutely recommend it to someone like you! Being a bit bizarre with a warped sense of humor can only help.

It is nice being able to work in between calls since you’re at home. The only thing is, you might have an hour or two of downtime, then your phone will ring while you’re in the zone. It’s hard to muster up the enthusiasm for a call when that happens. I’d been stuck on a paper that I was writing all day. I just couldn’t connect my ideas. For some reason, it all clicked in the middle of a phone call, then I was just trying to rush him so I could get it down before it left. All I could think while talking to him was, “hurry up and cum so I can explain Descartes’ Conceivability Argument!”

You don’t make very much, at all, though. You can work a bunch of hours to increase your paycheck, but it’s exhausting having to talk to that many perverts for that long. And, I mean “perverts” in the best way.

A few weeks back, in response to this:
Pet Peeve Numero Uno

When I say, “Hey baby. What do you wanna do today?”

And they say, “Whatever you wanna do…”

Really?

I always take a deep breath and a long pause so I can stop myself from telling him I want shove a 12 inch dildo up his ass while I pluck the hairs off his balls one at a time with a pair of tweezers. In front of his mom.

ab posted this:

See, here’s what I don’t get: you claim you can’t do the whole Domme thing very well, but what you came up with right there is *exactly* what it’s about. I’m very submissive, and if I ever called a line and you were to say something like that to me…well, that would be a major turn on. Not because I want my ball hairs plucked out in front of my mother - because that is so erotically forward, dominant and controlling.

That sort of blew my mind a little bit. That’s a good piece of advice, thank you, ab! That’s probably why the guy in the bar I mentioned earlier didn’t run when I offered to shove my dildo up his ass, but actually kept talking to me. Not because he necessarily wanted my dildo, but because I was so erotically forward…The more I take these calls, the more it makes sense. And I’ve kept your advice in mind when I get indecisive subs on the phone, too, so I appreciate it!

I get a lot of calls from guys who want to be with moms. Sometimes they want to fuck a friend’s mom, but more often than not, it’s their own. Some of them claim they already are fucking their mom and just want to share stories. These are easy enough; I have my stock caught-my-son-masturbating-and-joined-in scenario that I use. If he asks for a long block of time, I try to get it so we take turns telling stories, and I make mine parallel his.

Others have only fantasized about it and want me to pretend to be Mom.

What cracks me up is their fascination with Mom’s robe. Nearly every one has talked about their mom walking around in her robe with nothing on underneath. Then, Mom bends over in the refrigerator to make her little boy a sandwich, and her robe falls open. When I have to be motherly, and the guy asks what I’m wearing, I’ve learned to say “my favorite robe.” The way they groan, you’d think that was the sexiest thing on the planet.

Of course, they ask if they’re bigger than Dad in the pants. And of course they are!

Usually, the guy sets it up so that Mom is widowed or divorced, and she hasn’t dated anyone since. Of course, her devoted son feels bad that her needs aren’t being met. It’s his duty as a good son to make Mom cum since no one else is.

As commonplace as these calls have become for me, it is still slightly disturbing to say, “oh yes, make Mommy cum!”

The best one was the guy who never even thought about fucking his mom until they were drunk together at a wedding. He told me she was 64, short and skinny, wears granny glasses and isn’t sexy at all. They went outside to share a cigarette at this wedding, and somehow started making out. They went back to the hotel and got it on. He says she’s come to visit, and he’s fucked her outside of his bedroom door with his wife sleeping just inside. He says it turns him on so much because it’s so nasty and taboo. And she smokes while she gives him blowjobs. At the end of our call, when he came, he yelled that he wanted me to tell his wife he was fucking his mother.

The strangest just happened tonight.

Mindy tells me the guy wants me to be 225lbs and only 35-40. Even though he asked for motherly, I didn’t immediately think incest because of the age I was supposed to be. Then, as usual, Mindy saves the best detail for last and tells me he wants to get me pregnant.

Oh, man…

After we dispense with the descriptions, he tells me he wants me to get pregnant with a little girl.

I tell him, “oh yes, fill me up with your swimmers!”

“Really? You want me to make you pregnant?” He sounds very young, and has the quintessential nerd voice.

“Yes! Breed me, baby!”

We go for a little bit, with the moaning and the dirty talk, and he suddenly says, “I want to call you Mom…”

“Yea? You wanna fuck Mommy? Fuck Mommy, get me pregnant!”

“I do! I want to get you pregnant, Mom. Lay on your back and let me fill you up…”

“Fill Mommy up with your seed like a good little boy!”

“I want to get you pregnant with a girl.” He says, breathing heavily.

“Then give Mommy that seed and let’s make a baby girl!”

“When she’s born, I want you to breastfeed her while I’m fucking you.”

Now, that’s a whole lotta fucked up. I just moaned. What the fuck do you say to that?!

“Will you do that for me, Mommy?”

“Of course I will, darling. You fuck me, and I’ll breastfeed you and the baby at the same time.”

Have I ever mentioned that I do believe this job has completely ruined me? I mean, really. That’s so not an image I ever wanted in my mind. But, somehow, I find a way to make it even worse.

“And when she gets older, you’ll fuck her, too, won’t you?” I ask him.

“I will. You’re such a good mom, you knew that’s what I wanted didn’t you?” He’s nearly breathless, thank the gods.

“Of course I know what my little boy wants. Then you can get her pregnant, too, right?”

And that’s all it took. He comes and I hang up with a shiver. I wonder if there will ever come a day when I no longer bat an eye at the things men want to talk about…